I don't know whether it's irony or something else, but when I planned out my sabbatical I was going to go around the world and learn about different ways of healing through different cultures and peoples. I started my work on this while still working and asked people what they think of when they see or hear the word "healing". The answers ranged from getting better physically, to a spiritual wholeness, to something from a computer game. I was looking forward to getting deeper into the subject.
What I hadn't anticipated was my cancer. All of a sudden my year off became about my healing - physically, mentally and spiritually. I went from a world view to a very personal view. I am in my 9th month of my sabbatical and I have made progress with my healing but I am definitely not there yet.
The hardest for me is physical well being. I am overweight and before this time off my exercise consisted of walking the dog and an occasional hike or yoga class. So, I vowed that a big part of this year would be dedicated to my physical healing. My cancer was under control except for the prevention medication which have given me bad side effects, so I am still wrangling with that, but I still needed to work on physical health in other areas.
They say the first step is the hardest and I think that is true. My first step after moving back to the Twin Cities was to contact the personal trainer I had worked with 9 years previously. It was a hard call to make because I knew I was committing myself to weight lifting regularly and I was in no shape to be seen in tight clothes. I also had become uncoordinated and making a fool of myself doing this was always on my mind.
I swallowed my pride and went to see John. Best decision I ever made! Here was someone who knew me and my health issues and also knows my capabilities so I can't get away with anything! I have been lifting weights 2-3 times a week since then, and my sister Robyn joins me on some days which makes me accountable to another person which I need to keep going. It's hard work and I am usually stiff when I get there but actually feel pretty good when I leave! Step one - check.
Step two is taking place on this trip. As I journey and see family and friends I am keenly aware of how I look and how I wish I looked. However, the next step has been to put aside this self criticism and embrace who I am right now, as I am, and not shy away from opportunities based upon my physical shape or whether I think I am in shape enough.
So far this has been tested twice. The first time was in Memphis when I accompanied my sister Susan to a big party celebrating one of her closest friends. I had picked out a dress and shoes before I left but it showed some curves I shouldn't have! Still, I dressed to look good for me, fixed my hair and both of us went with heads held high, laughing at ourselves. Turns out we were not out of place in this large group and I even got a compliment on my dress! Funny what happens when you let go and don't worry.
The second time happened here in Miramar Beach, Florida. My sister and husband live here several months of the year, and where they live is in a tennis haven. Courts all around, groups to play in, friendly people. Now, I LOVE playing tennis. It's my sport of choice and I used to be fairly good at it, but I hadn't played in over a decade. I brought my racquet and wanted to play, but I also didn't want to make a fool of myself or look terrible. My legs are not only white white in color but they have eczema from winter on them so they are not pretty.
My decision was whether to play and get exercise and hopefully enjoy the sport I love, or to pass on the chance so I didn't have to feel uncomfortable. I chose to play and although I hate how I look in the pictures taken on the court, I am so glad I played! After some initial trouble finding the ball I got into the swing (ha,ha) of the game and didn't do too badly for a first time out. I wore a sleeveless shirt so my arms showed and I wore a tennis skirt which showed my legs. But I was so comfortable and could play so it didn't matter. We played two sets of doubles today and I know I have a long way to go, but I am thrilled to be back playing and intend to continue! If I hadn't taken the opportunity I would never have known how good it feels when I play.
So as I continue on my journey I have added a new way to work on my physical well being. Of course the eating part is still an issue, but one step at a time, right?
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